The Hangover...

           No, I didn’t get drunk last night, and I am not feeling a real hangover… but I am just feeling the lull after the high of being in Uganda.  I have been home for about ten days now and it has finally hit me.  The first five or six days were just peachy.  I was embraced by my friends and family, which I had missed while I was gone, but the honeymoon phase is now over.  I really hope nobody is offended by the words I have to say here… I am just choosing to be very honest about how I am feeling.  I know the way I am feeling is probably normal, but I do feel so crazy.

            I am back.  It is surreal.  A great Ugandan family loved me, I loved my life there, and I knew purpose and peace.  Here, I am confused.  Confused about “home,” confused about purpose, and not experiencing much peace at all.  I feel weighted down by the pulls of the busy American lifestyle and overwhelmed by the amount of money I have already spent.  I feel stuck in my own head.

            My normal life will be starting soon.  After the next two weeks of mini trips and catching up with people, I will be moving back to school for RA training.  I am looking forward to a normal schedule and some consistency.  I think this limbo period rocks my boat a little bit.  I will enjoy the familiar room, city, and people.  BUT, I want this purpose back.  I want peace back.  I don’t want to feel confused or overwhelmed.  Jesus is the Prince of Peace and His peace surpasses our understanding. 

            My life in Uganda was simple.  My purpose was simple.  Everything I did was simple. Here things feel more complicated then they ever need to be.  Being busy is a choice, and I know that I have made that choice willingly.  But I think the problem is I got used to not being busy and living a really focused and disciplined life.  As of now, my life feels like it is spiraling out of control. I am moody, impatient, tired, and just very up and down emotionally. But, my purpose is clear: love God and love people.  I need to take every opportunity and chance to exhibit these things. It’s hard, and sometimes I want to throw myself a pity party for the things that I am feeling (exhibit a: this very post) but the reality is, God has GREAT things for me (and you) we just have to trust Him.   

            So, I guess writing this post really helped me see past myself, my insecurities, and my insufficiencies.  I can instead look to the Lord, love, and beauty.  I want to take advantage of the small things (something a Dove chocolate saying reminded me of this week).  Nothing is small, everything is an opportunity to love.  In my weakness, He is strong.  So, I can tell you that I am sinful and selfish, but in Christ I am a saint.  How? Grace.